Keeping It Real: Infertility Sucks

I’ve always wanted to be a mom. It is what I was going to be when I grew up. 33 years later I still want to be a mom when I grow up.

We’ve been married for almost 10 years. We’ve been officially “trying” for three. Anyone who has dealt with infertility knows the many definitions of “trying.” It can mean you aren’t on birth control and praying you’ll get lucky; then it can become using an app and following all possible signs of ovulation (cervical position, cervical mucous quality, temperature, kits). And when that doesn’t work, “trying” means kinda watching your cycle and getting a “sperm donation” (trying to keep it rated PG, friends) two times a week. (It’s not that fun when  you are “trying.”)

And then I lost it a few months back with a rant on Instagram.

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Not being a mom sucks. I hurt. I am so sad I cry until I can’t breathe. Life can be truly unfair. I don’t know if I can deal with one. More. Period!

A few periods have come and gone since then. Last month was the climax of what my emotions could take. I ugly-cried for 30 minutes when the cramps started, the kind where you can barely breathe and mucous and tears mix and the only thing you can use to wipe it all up is your shirt? Yeah, that kind. I would calm down, only to think about it again (hard not too when your uterus is shredding to pieces) and start crying all over again. I usually can suck it up but not this time. I called into work sick and canceled my yoga class. I laid on the couch and watch a marathon of NCIS.

We took a break last month. Absolutely NO trying. I just couldn’t get my hopes up again. I’m strong but I have my limits.

The details of why we can’t get pregnant on our own aren’t important to share publicly. Suffice it to say, our team at REACH said we could start with IUI (intrauterine insemination, aka artificial insemination). For now, we’ve decided we’ll do up to 4 rounds. I’ve decided, as of now, that I won’t do IVF. Why? Simply, it’s not that important to me to experience pregnancy. I just want to be a mom.

So after a one month break we are starting treatment this month. I’m nervous. I’m scared. I’m full of “what if’s.” It’s only been 3 days. Another check in on Instagram (I deactivated my Facebook account – that’s another blog post for another day).

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Day 1 of fertility treatments. 👶Blood work 👎, ultrasound of the ovaries, and medications 💊💉. Here we go with trial 1. #iui #glaushausfamily #fertility #Infertility #projectbaby

So far the meds haven’t made me sick. Whew. So far I haven’t had an anxiety attack. Fingers crossed. I’m doing all I can to manage my expectations. It’s going to be a busy month with lots of waiting.

Why am I blogging about it? Because it helps me to read other people’s stories. So I’m sharing mine while it’s raw. I want support and I want to give support. Infertility isn’t an experience I want to deal with on my own.

Here’s to #projectBaby for #glausHausFamily

Keeping it real: Anxiety & Stress

For a week now, I have endured an itchy, sometimes painful rash. It’s a new experience for me and when it’s finally gone, I hope to never recreate it. I’m 85% sure it’s due to stress. And it stresses me out!! Why? Because I have been extremely dedicated to self-care: meditating daily, pursuing studies in self-growth studies through Mindvalley Academy, yoga practice and weight-lifting.

The stress is due to feeling purposeless and its companion hopelessness. Continue reading

Keeping it Real: blogging

I haven’t written for awhile. At least nothing personal. I’ve thought about. I have lots of ideas. And that’s where it stops. I pull up the web browser (do we even still use that term anymore?). I log in. I type. Delete. Type again. Delete. Fingers type. Save as a draft. I have 3 posts in draft. I just can’t get them to come together.

I’m not depressed. It’s not depression that’s keeping me from writing. Continue reading

Journal Writing

I have always written down my thoughts; it is therapeutic for mePhotoGrid_1433124958920 to put a pen in hand and that pen to paper. My first journal/diary dates back to 1990-91. I was 7-yrs-old. I used a pencil, resulting in faded entries, in addition to the messy handwriting most of us had at the age, they are difficult to read. I eventually learned to use a pen, and my handwriting had undergone MANY changes. In fact, it doesn’t stay the same, even now. I’ve never had that perfect, cute handwriting. I’m OK with that, I’m able to tell my mood based on the slant and script, cursive always slants to the right, print is straight up & down. One entry can contain both cursive and print (see image above). Also, I am not a strong speller; “know” & “now” for some reason elude me when I’m writing quickly, or I’m adding an “-e” onto the end of words that don’t need it. I like to write stream of conscious style, so it explains some of it. I used to try to make sure I was spelling words correctly but I would end up losing my train of thought. I decided I wasn’t being graded on spelling (sorry to ALL my English teachers), now I try to spell the word the best I can and put ‘(sp)’ after the offending word. It reminds me I tried and realize it’s incorrect. (I blame word processors and text correcting technology!)

Continue reading