Keeping It Real: Infertility Sucks

I’ve always wanted to be a mom. It is what I was going to be when I grew up. 33 years later I still want to be a mom when I grow up.

We’ve been married for almost 10 years. We’ve been officially “trying” for three. Anyone who has dealt with infertility knows the many definitions of “trying.” It can mean you aren’t on birth control and praying you’ll get lucky; then it can become using an app and following all possible signs of ovulation (cervical position, cervical mucous quality, temperature, kits). And when that doesn’t work, “trying” means kinda watching your cycle and getting a “sperm donation” (trying to keep it rated PG, friends) two times a week. (It’s not that fun when  you are “trying.”)

And then I lost it a few months back with a rant on Instagram.

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Not being a mom sucks. I hurt. I am so sad I cry until I can’t breathe. Life can be truly unfair. I don’t know if I can deal with one. More. Period!

A few periods have come and gone since then. Last month was the climax of what my emotions could take. I ugly-cried for 30 minutes when the cramps started, the kind where you can barely breathe and mucous and tears mix and the only thing you can use to wipe it all up is your shirt? Yeah, that kind. I would calm down, only to think about it again (hard not too when your uterus is shredding to pieces) and start crying all over again. I usually can suck it up but not this time. I called into work sick and canceled my yoga class. I laid on the couch and watch a marathon of NCIS.

We took a break last month. Absolutely NO trying. I just couldn’t get my hopes up again. I’m strong but I have my limits.

The details of why we can’t get pregnant on our own aren’t important to share publicly. Suffice it to say, our team at REACH said we could start with IUI (intrauterine insemination, aka artificial insemination). For now, we’ve decided we’ll do up to 4 rounds. I’ve decided, as of now, that I won’t do IVF. Why? Simply, it’s not that important to me to experience pregnancy. I just want to be a mom.

So after a one month break we are starting treatment this month. I’m nervous. I’m scared. I’m full of “what if’s.” It’s only been 3 days. Another check in on Instagram (I deactivated my Facebook account – that’s another blog post for another day).

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Day 1 of fertility treatments. 👶Blood work 👎, ultrasound of the ovaries, and medications 💊💉. Here we go with trial 1. #iui #glaushausfamily #fertility #Infertility #projectbaby

So far the meds haven’t made me sick. Whew. So far I haven’t had an anxiety attack. Fingers crossed. I’m doing all I can to manage my expectations. It’s going to be a busy month with lots of waiting.

Why am I blogging about it? Because it helps me to read other people’s stories. So I’m sharing mine while it’s raw. I want support and I want to give support. Infertility isn’t an experience I want to deal with on my own.

Here’s to #projectBaby for #glausHausFamily

Live your yoga

Yoga is more than your physical practice (aka asana). Yoga is not a religion. It is a journey to oneself, connecting the Higher Power (whatever name you give). It is a spiritual practice. Yoga gives you the tools to move from a place of imbalance to balance.

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If your yoga practice expands you and gives you joy, then it is the right yoga practice for you. The best yoga practice is when it is integrated into your life. Namaste!

Yoga gives you the tools to move from a place of imbalance to balance.

Keeping it real: Anxiety & Stress

For a week now, I have endured an itchy, sometimes painful rash. It’s a new experience for me and when it’s finally gone, I hope to never recreate it. I’m 85% sure it’s due to stress. And it stresses me out!! Why? Because I have been extremely dedicated to self-care: meditating daily, pursuing studies in self-growth studies through Mindvalley Academy, yoga practice and weight-lifting.

The stress is due to feeling purposeless and its companion hopelessness. Continue reading

Keeping it Real: blogging

I haven’t written for awhile. At least nothing personal. I’ve thought about. I have lots of ideas. And that’s where it stops. I pull up the web browser (do we even still use that term anymore?). I log in. I type. Delete. Type again. Delete. Fingers type. Save as a draft. I have 3 posts in draft. I just can’t get them to come together.

I’m not depressed. It’s not depression that’s keeping me from writing. Continue reading

Keeping it real: Oreo’s

I’m a real person.IMG_20150621_210659680-01

With real problems. With real cravings.

I may be a yogi striving for health but I have my vices.

This is one of them. I only had 3-4 servings.

I’ll leave it up to you to figure out how much a serving size is.

PS It’s probably not what you think. 😉

PPS It’s not organic or dairy free milk either. 😊