Not the good kind of surprise

Surprise! It’s never what you expect. Didn’t expect to get my second ultrasound and blood work to reveal that I had already ovulated. I early ovulated; yes, that’s a thing. Pregnancy is all sorts of complicated!

Translation: canceled IUI for this month.

The bonus is that I don’t have to worry about whether I’m pregnant or not. Downside, one more month of waiting.

I’m numb today. There isn’t much else I can do. I cried a little yesterday. Somehow taught a yoga class last night and treated myself to a milkshake with the hubby. Because it’s hard for him too.

He’s more quiet about it. I try to let him know he doesn’t have to be strong for me. In fact, I need to know he’s sad with me. Otherwise, what are we doing? We are in this together.

That’s all I really have to say today.

 

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Keeping It Real: Infertility Sucks

I’ve always wanted to be a mom. It is what I was going to be when I grew up. 33 years later I still want to be a mom when I grow up.

We’ve been married for almost 10 years. We’ve been officially “trying” for three. Anyone who has dealt with infertility knows the many definitions of “trying.” It can mean you aren’t on birth control and praying you’ll get lucky; then it can become using an app and following all possible signs of ovulation (cervical position, cervical mucous quality, temperature, kits). And when that doesn’t work, “trying” means kinda watching your cycle and getting a “sperm donation” (trying to keep it rated PG, friends) two times a week. (It’s not that fun when  you are “trying.”)

And then I lost it a few months back with a rant on Instagram.

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Not being a mom sucks. I hurt. I am so sad I cry until I can’t breathe. Life can be truly unfair. I don’t know if I can deal with one. More. Period!

A few periods have come and gone since then. Last month was the climax of what my emotions could take. I ugly-cried for 30 minutes when the cramps started, the kind where you can barely breathe and mucous and tears mix and the only thing you can use to wipe it all up is your shirt? Yeah, that kind. I would calm down, only to think about it again (hard not too when your uterus is shredding to pieces) and start crying all over again. I usually can suck it up but not this time. I called into work sick and canceled my yoga class. I laid on the couch and watch a marathon of NCIS.

We took a break last month. Absolutely NO trying. I just couldn’t get my hopes up again. I’m strong but I have my limits.

The details of why we can’t get pregnant on our own aren’t important to share publicly. Suffice it to say, our team at REACH said we could start with IUI (intrauterine insemination, aka artificial insemination). For now, we’ve decided we’ll do up to 4 rounds. I’ve decided, as of now, that I won’t do IVF. Why? Simply, it’s not that important to me to experience pregnancy. I just want to be a mom.

So after a one month break we are starting treatment this month. I’m nervous. I’m scared. I’m full of “what if’s.” It’s only been 3 days. Another check in on Instagram (I deactivated my Facebook account – that’s another blog post for another day).

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Day 1 of fertility treatments. 👶Blood work 👎, ultrasound of the ovaries, and medications 💊💉. Here we go with trial 1. #iui #glaushausfamily #fertility #Infertility #projectbaby

So far the meds haven’t made me sick. Whew. So far I haven’t had an anxiety attack. Fingers crossed. I’m doing all I can to manage my expectations. It’s going to be a busy month with lots of waiting.

Why am I blogging about it? Because it helps me to read other people’s stories. So I’m sharing mine while it’s raw. I want support and I want to give support. Infertility isn’t an experience I want to deal with on my own.

Here’s to #projectBaby for #glausHausFamily

Benefits of the Pose: Vrksasana (Tree)

Balance poses, in general, offer a calming effect on the body because of the focus (or drishti) that is needed. In order to maintain your balance, the recommendations are to focus on a non-moving, eye-level (or above) spot, and to breathe steadily. In my opinion, Tree Pose (vrik-SHAHS-anna) is a great pose to start with because of the options for modifying which develop balance and concentration. As the different variations are explored, legs and feet are strengthened providing increased flexibility in the hips. Exploring arm placement can lead to an opening of the chest and toning of the shoulder muscles. I like to practice this while doing the dishes or brushing my teeth at night, in addition to incorporating it into my regular practice.

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Confession

I feel like I have to read every article, in every magazine before I can recycle it. I’m years behind because of that belief. Literally, I have Better Homes and Gardens magazines from last year; and Wired magazines 2013.

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Why do I feel that way? Because I know how much work I put into my blog entries and feel each journalist/writer deserves my attention by reading what they wrote. I realize they have no way of knowing whether I read it or not but I do believe in karma.

In addition, I suffer from FOMO (fear of missing out). What if I miss that one sentence that could be life changing?! Then I realize that the universe has a way of bringing that tidbit to me.

On the upside, I do at least recycle them, and don’t keep them around forever. Downside, I may or may not have a small stack of pages that have been torn out. I’ll leave that for a discussion another time. 😉

Home Improvements

Our home still has a lot of bare walls that need to be decorated. I’ve struggle in deciding what to put up where; and do I DIY or buy it or a combination of both?? I particularly need crafts when I am dealing with bouts of depression and anxiety. I like to get lost in the meditative feel of creating, losing track of time and letting my thoughts come and go. Creativity is my therapy and here are a few of my most recent creations.

Creativity is my therapy.

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The Top 3 Things I Want My Yoga Students To Know

There are a few things that I find myself repeating to people interested in yoga or to new students. The first thing people say to me is “I’m not flexible.” My answer to that is you don’t have to be flexible, it’s about becoming flexible. Closely related to that is “I can’t do ____ (fill in with any yoga pose).” Again, it’s not about that. I choose not to do a lot of the “tricky” poses for reasons that will be discussed later. Lastly, I hear that the teacher had them do something they didn’t like or that hurt. My response is that you don’t have to do every single pose the teacher offers. It’s your body and your practice; you know what you are comfortable doing. I tell my students they don’t get extra points for doing everything I say, except when it comes to safe alignment; outside of that, take care of your own body.

Yoga is a lifestyle practice that has been around for many, many years. There is great wisdom behind the philosophy that is not learned overnight. I do my best to explain my experience below based on my current understanding of what I have learned as I continue to study yoga.

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Photo courtesy of Chicks with Cameras

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Yoga for the brain

Coloring with my non-dominant hand.

It was not easy. It took multiple days because my hand would cramp or I would get frustrated because it was taking longer than I wanted.

I call it yoga for the brain because it forced me to be present in the activity I was doing. It was a safe way to explore those uncomfortable feelings of frustration, cramping, and awkwardness.

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A yoga practice is

A yoga is more than twisting yourself into a pretzel – there is a whole philosophy too. “A yoga class might be a simple set of physical exercises (asana) or it might be spiced with life-enhancing ideas that arouse your interest, make you ponder, and encourage you to wonder at the mystery of life.” Take the time to find your yoga, to make it your own personal practice by finding the yoga tradition and teacher with whom you have a good connection. Start anew without judgement. Grow where you are planted and be your own kind of beautiful.

Namaste.

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Transform Your Breathe

Your breath is a powerful tool. Your breath communicates what is happening in your body. What is your body telling you? What does your breath feel like? Take a minute or two to watch your breath and notice the transformation that happens. Do the following:

1) sit tall in a comfortable position.
2) feel the connection of your sit bones on your chair/ground/etc.
3) begin to find a steady, easy breath, guiding it through the nose
4) close your eyes and continue to breathe. As you breathe in notice, that you are breathing in; as you breathe out, notice you are breathing out.

What transformation did you experience?