Not the good kind of surprise

Surprise! It’s never what you expect. Didn’t expect to get my second ultrasound and blood work to reveal that I had already ovulated. I early ovulated; yes, that’s a thing. Pregnancy is all sorts of complicated!

Translation: canceled IUI for this month.

The bonus is that I don’t have to worry about whether I’m pregnant or not. Downside, one more month of waiting.

I’m numb today. There isn’t much else I can do. I cried a little yesterday. Somehow taught a yoga class last night and treated myself to a milkshake with the hubby. Because it’s hard for him too.

He’s more quiet about it. I try to let him know he doesn’t have to be strong for me. In fact, I need to know he’s sad with me. Otherwise, what are we doing? We are in this together.

That’s all I really have to say today.

 

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Keeping It Real: Infertility Sucks

I’ve always wanted to be a mom. It is what I was going to be when I grew up. 33 years later I still want to be a mom when I grow up.

We’ve been married for almost 10 years. We’ve been officially “trying” for three. Anyone who has dealt with infertility knows the many definitions of “trying.” It can mean you aren’t on birth control and praying you’ll get lucky; then it can become using an app and following all possible signs of ovulation (cervical position, cervical mucous quality, temperature, kits). And when that doesn’t work, “trying” means kinda watching your cycle and getting a “sperm donation” (trying to keep it rated PG, friends) two times a week. (It’s not that fun when  you are “trying.”)

And then I lost it a few months back with a rant on Instagram.

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Not being a mom sucks. I hurt. I am so sad I cry until I can’t breathe. Life can be truly unfair. I don’t know if I can deal with one. More. Period!

A few periods have come and gone since then. Last month was the climax of what my emotions could take. I ugly-cried for 30 minutes when the cramps started, the kind where you can barely breathe and mucous and tears mix and the only thing you can use to wipe it all up is your shirt? Yeah, that kind. I would calm down, only to think about it again (hard not too when your uterus is shredding to pieces) and start crying all over again. I usually can suck it up but not this time. I called into work sick and canceled my yoga class. I laid on the couch and watch a marathon of NCIS.

We took a break last month. Absolutely NO trying. I just couldn’t get my hopes up again. I’m strong but I have my limits.

The details of why we can’t get pregnant on our own aren’t important to share publicly. Suffice it to say, our team at REACH said we could start with IUI (intrauterine insemination, aka artificial insemination). For now, we’ve decided we’ll do up to 4 rounds. I’ve decided, as of now, that I won’t do IVF. Why? Simply, it’s not that important to me to experience pregnancy. I just want to be a mom.

So after a one month break we are starting treatment this month. I’m nervous. I’m scared. I’m full of “what if’s.” It’s only been 3 days. Another check in on Instagram (I deactivated my Facebook account – that’s another blog post for another day).

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Day 1 of fertility treatments. 👶Blood work 👎, ultrasound of the ovaries, and medications 💊💉. Here we go with trial 1. #iui #glaushausfamily #fertility #Infertility #projectbaby

So far the meds haven’t made me sick. Whew. So far I haven’t had an anxiety attack. Fingers crossed. I’m doing all I can to manage my expectations. It’s going to be a busy month with lots of waiting.

Why am I blogging about it? Because it helps me to read other people’s stories. So I’m sharing mine while it’s raw. I want support and I want to give support. Infertility isn’t an experience I want to deal with on my own.

Here’s to #projectBaby for #glausHausFamily

Confession

I feel like I have to read every article, in every magazine before I can recycle it. I’m years behind because of that belief. Literally, I have Better Homes and Gardens magazines from last year; and Wired magazines 2013.

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Why do I feel that way? Because I know how much work I put into my blog entries and feel each journalist/writer deserves my attention by reading what they wrote. I realize they have no way of knowing whether I read it or not but I do believe in karma.

In addition, I suffer from FOMO (fear of missing out). What if I miss that one sentence that could be life changing?! Then I realize that the universe has a way of bringing that tidbit to me.

On the upside, I do at least recycle them, and don’t keep them around forever. Downside, I may or may not have a small stack of pages that have been torn out. I’ll leave that for a discussion another time. 😉

A yoga practice is

A yoga is more than twisting yourself into a pretzel – there is a whole philosophy too. “A yoga class might be a simple set of physical exercises (asana) or it might be spiced with life-enhancing ideas that arouse your interest, make you ponder, and encourage you to wonder at the mystery of life.” Take the time to find your yoga, to make it your own personal practice by finding the yoga tradition and teacher with whom you have a good connection. Start anew without judgement. Grow where you are planted and be your own kind of beautiful.

Namaste.

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Genetic Counseling: Down Syndrome Awareness

I am taking part of an online course through University of South Carolina for future genetic counselors. Part of being a genetic counselor is being an advocate, creating awareness, and educating others about genetic conditions and that’s what I intend to do, starting now. One of the website reviews for the week about prenatal genetics was a website dedicated to supporting families with a Down Syndrome diagnosis. I have been fortunate in my life to have not been sheltered from conditions like this and lately I have realized I’m a minority. As I work through this course, I’ll share awareness, keeping with my theme of “learn, experience and share.” In honor of National Down Syndrome month (October) I’m sharing my review of the website downsyndromepregnancy.org. If you chose not to read the whole post, the one take-away I want to leave you with to stop using the word “retard(ed)” to describe anyone or anything. Thank you!

image courtesy of sbdsa.org

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Daily Inspiration: my current three quotes

Updated: 10/29/2015

I have three quotes that I am currently using to better my life because we all lack in this area in some way. We each have our own unique circumstances that made us who we are. Parents, teachers, friends, colleagues, family members all play a part in how we view ourselves; and most of the time is was/is unintentional hurt that can be caused and most imprinting happened before the age of 7. So what is one to do? Take back the power of your thoughts!

“I am Enough” from Marisa Peer’s YouTube video.

Marisa is a speaker, therapist, writer & behavioural expert gives great advice about praising ourselves and becoming our own best friend. Praising ourselves isn’t narcissistic, it’s healthy and necessary. In a culture where I was taught to be humble, I inadvertently squashed my self-esteem in the process. I gave away my power to feel good. There is healing that is happening now that I’m aware of the blocks.

“I LOVE Myself” from Kamal Ravikant’s YouTube video.

Kamal Ravikant is an entrepreneur and author of “Love Yourself As If Your Life Depended On It.” Along the same sentiments as Marisa Peer’s message, we have to take care of ourselves first. If I don’t fully, unconditionally love myself I can’t be expected to love others the same way, or receive that love from others.

“Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be” from Abraham Lincoln.

These signs are posted on the bathroom mirrors, as per Marisa Peer’s suggestion.IMG_20150820_220423546-01 Anyone who comes to my home, and looks in a bathroom mirror will also receive the loving message.

Keeping it real: Anxiety & Stress

For a week now, I have endured an itchy, sometimes painful rash. It’s a new experience for me and when it’s finally gone, I hope to never recreate it. I’m 85% sure it’s due to stress. And it stresses me out!! Why? Because I have been extremely dedicated to self-care: meditating daily, pursuing studies in self-growth studies through Mindvalley Academy, yoga practice and weight-lifting.

The stress is due to feeling purposeless and its companion hopelessness. Continue reading

More on Meditation

I was watching the video below as part of the Conscious Engineering Course I am enrolled in with Mindvalley Academy, and am impressed with the inspiration behind the 6 Phase Meditation. I have been using this meditation the last week or so and have experienced great benefits of lowered stress, greater results studying for the GRE, and focus on my end goals. However, I recognize the greater importance now, as it’s the combination of the best of what Vishen Lakhiani has acquired from his research for his own happiness through meditation techniques. There is valuable information in this 35 minute video, which includes the meditation. Continue reading

What I have learned about gratitude

Gratitude has been tricky for me.

When life is going they way I like, it’s easy to make a list of things I’m grateful for. I used to easily find the positive in situations and offer up a pray of thanks to God.

Cliche: then “life” happened. A lot of “life” happened.

I lost track of gratitude. I lost track of my sense of self-esteem. I lost track of my dreams and goals. I lost myself. I lost connection to friends. I lost connection to family. I lost connection to God.

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